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We’ve all been there. That moment you realize your head has been so deep in the sand of everyday busyness culture that you haven’t called your mom in a month. Oh, the guilt! I know it too well. Then you realize how this so-called busyness has extended to a lack of presence in your connections in every facet of your life except, of course, your job.
For some, this realization of disconnect is a constant underlying layer of guilt they are very aware of but avoiding confronting in themselves. For others, it’s a place of non-awareness that usually gets disrupted when a friend, family member, or partner, finally having reached their limit of quiet neglect, decides to call you out on it.
There are varied responses to this call out:
At a time where social distancing is affecting how we connect to each other in actual physical presence, it is especially important right now to keep on top of being present in your connections, even if at a distance. So, take a second to go inward and ask yourself if called out, which of the above categories you would fall into if you were called out for your lack of presence in a connection.
There has been a lot of discussion around the glorification of being busy as of late and it seems that this glorification is rooted in the belief that if you seem busy or even if you actually are busy, that it is somehow connected to how successful you are. Well, sorry to break your bubble pal but that’s a bunch of poop.
Let’s talk about what being busy all the time can mean from different societal positions.
Here are some super basic facts. Whether you’re using chronic busyness as means to isolate and deflect or you are actually busy all the time, the reality is in either circumstance, that it’s not physically, emotionally, or mentally healthy and will lead to both mental and physical health issues and will create conflict in your life.
Have you ever been asked how you’re doing and your answer is, “Busy!” and the response is, “Busy is good!”
Well, that’s a falsehood. This great lie has been perpetrated by a capitalist system for hundreds of years as a means to normalize overworking being equated with personal value. Do you sometimes feel useless when you’re not doing something? Bingo! Take that moment to ask yourself why you feel useless unless you’re always on the go.
Like anything in life, it’s finding a balance that allows for both basic financial survival and presence in your connections. Including and most importantly, connecting to yourself.
In my Life Coach training, I learned early on about a concept called Balanced Self-Determined Behavior (BSD). This concept works like a pendulum with three points.
On one extreme you have Self-Determined Behavior (SD), which implies your behaviors and movements in life in connection to others and yourself are primarily focused solely on your own personal needs. On the other extreme, you have Other-Determined Behavior (OD), which implies that your behaviors and movements in life in connection to others and yourself are primarily focused solely on the needs of others. Both of these extremes are unhealthy for you and those around you.
Then you come to the center, and here is where you find BSD behavior. This should be the focus of your behaviors overall and the position you are always striving for. It is where you work with both sides of the pendulum (SD and OD) and attempt to find a balance between the two so you continually swing that pendulum as close to the middle (BSD) as you can. Being centered is the goal and finding what’s best for you and your emotional, mental, and physical health.
This is where people usually get confused and say “But coach, if it’s what’s best for me, isn’t that then self-determined behavior?” This is where I say no, it’s not, and here is why:
We seem to have this idea that if we focus on our personal needs that this is selfish. Unlearn this. Throw it away. And while you’re throwing that away, pick this up: What you actually need to consciously ingrain is that taking care of yourself and your needs, also means taking care of and being present for those you love and love you. If you don’t take care of both, there will be conflict.
To all the other folks out there excusing, avoiding, ignoring, connection, here is a list of 10 things you can do to be more present in your connections:
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